I always hate starting my blog posts with the following phrase: "It has been so long since I last wrote here and there is so much to talk about." The usual excuses are offered and an apology is rendered as well but in the end the most that I can do is struggle to get back on the horse reveal more about my journey to those who are willing to read and observe.
Much has changed (Okay one last cliche phrase!) since I last wrote. I am no longer simply a nominee but have now attained the status of a postulant for Holy Orders. This means that I can not apply to seminary and begin more work in earnest in ministry. It has been a unique experience because not only have I been involved in my parish (albeit not enough), I am now working as a chaplain at a private Episcopal School in Bradenton Florida. The role sounds simple: Be present in the chapel and on campus for 640 students ages 3-18 as well as the faculty staff and administration. How could that possibly be complicated?
The truth is that it is very challenging, but it has also been extremely rewarding. The privilege of being a part of this community and in helping educate and minister to this group of youngsters has opened my eyes to new ideas about worship, counseling, and what it means to be young. But more than anything it has also opened my eyes to how mysteriously God works in our lives to give us opportunities to help and love one another. I hope that in the school year that remains that I can take each of these opportunities to heart and grow in them. I am eager to continue my work.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Ordination Preview
About a week ago I was asked to be the Master of Ceremonies for a friend's ordination to the transitional diaconate. It was the last step on her journey towards priesthood in the Celtic Christian Church, an independent Catholic Church. I agreed without hesitation because I remembered the great times we had shared at Saint Leo University in the graduate theology program. Truth be told I had never been to an ordination so this would be a learning experience for me as much as it would be her and most of the people participating.
The more I began to think about the ceremony the more I realized that it was kind of like a preview of my own ordination to the diaconate (hopefully). I wanted to use this opportunity to reflect not only on my own experiences in the Episcopal Church but on how other Christian traditions approached this sacred ministry. What I learned was that I felt truly anchored in my own tradition and that even though people had told me time and again that ordination was the beginning of the journey and not the end I had seen that maxim come true before my eyes.
It wasn't the wonderful homily or the scripture readings. Rather, it was coming together of the community of faithful in presenting someone for the responsibility and blessing of ministry that made the most impression upon me. The community itself was invited to come and lay hands on the ordinand and pray for her new ministry, showing support and love for the way in which she was offering herself to God.
When the ordination was completed, I found one phrase staying with me. It was not a phrase that anyone said during the service. Instead it was one that I felt the Holy Spirit had placed upon my heart. It was that God wanted soft and ready clay to mold. He doesn't call completed people or perfect people, or even equipped people. Rather, God calls those people who are willing to change for God, to become the person He has faith they can be. I never want to see myself as a finished project, not as a person and certainly not as an aspiring priest. I am aware that my greatest enemy is apathy.
I pray for my friend in her new ministry as I know that she prays for me in my continued formation. My greatest desire is not to be a priest, it is to do what God wills for my life.
The more I began to think about the ceremony the more I realized that it was kind of like a preview of my own ordination to the diaconate (hopefully). I wanted to use this opportunity to reflect not only on my own experiences in the Episcopal Church but on how other Christian traditions approached this sacred ministry. What I learned was that I felt truly anchored in my own tradition and that even though people had told me time and again that ordination was the beginning of the journey and not the end I had seen that maxim come true before my eyes.
It wasn't the wonderful homily or the scripture readings. Rather, it was coming together of the community of faithful in presenting someone for the responsibility and blessing of ministry that made the most impression upon me. The community itself was invited to come and lay hands on the ordinand and pray for her new ministry, showing support and love for the way in which she was offering herself to God.
When the ordination was completed, I found one phrase staying with me. It was not a phrase that anyone said during the service. Instead it was one that I felt the Holy Spirit had placed upon my heart. It was that God wanted soft and ready clay to mold. He doesn't call completed people or perfect people, or even equipped people. Rather, God calls those people who are willing to change for God, to become the person He has faith they can be. I never want to see myself as a finished project, not as a person and certainly not as an aspiring priest. I am aware that my greatest enemy is apathy.
I pray for my friend in her new ministry as I know that she prays for me in my continued formation. My greatest desire is not to be a priest, it is to do what God wills for my life.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Project Bachelor Party
One thing which I am learning very quickly is that when it comes to your vocation, your call, everyone can and will have an opinion about your choice, what it means and of course you as a person after having made that choice.
This became most evident on a recent trip to Chicago for a good friends bachelor party. Our group was close knit having known each other for at least ten years and as many as twenty years. We were ecstatic for our friend who had found a great girl and who now could have a proper sendoff into married life. From the moment my attendance was discussed the jokes began about a “priest” going to a bachelor party and what it mean for the party as a whole. Would I be hesitant to join in the festivities or would I be wilder than the rest. My Vicar had told me to enjoy myself, having attended numerous stag parties in his day. It wasn't a carte blanche to engage in any risque activity but rather an understanding that there is a way in which one goes about things, recognizing limits and always learning life lessons.
When we arrived and began the activities our group constantly identified me to any girl we met as a priest. I emphasized that this was premature as I would not be stepping near ordination before another year and a half. Either way, I wasn't wearing a collar and certainly was not going to be performing any sacraments at the party. I'll have to admit that I was a little annoyed that this became the identifying punchline for my presence but then I realized a few things:
The first was that these close friends of mine had busted my chops over everything any of us had ever done and this would be no different. The fact that it was the but of jokes meant that they realized that was a real part of my life. The other thing it signaled was that by calling me that they saw this as my chosen vocation, someone I could really be. Of course, I shouldn't be seeking heaping mounds of validation for my vocation but seeing that these close friends who had been with me through tragedy and triumph saw me as a man of God touched me in a way I cannot describe.
The singular problem I faced with this was one that I felt they could not entirely understand. Even though they were my close friends with whom I had shared everything this vocation my own, something that no one else could live for me. So as we ran through several bars, collected outrageous requests for our friends bachelor party shirt, and identified beautiful women I felt awkward because that part of me seeking a vocation felt at odds with what I was doing. Of course there are rationalizations, reasonings, and excuses that provide the shade under which we go about our normal behavior claiming that we are conscious of God's presence while we conduct ourselves in a questionable way. But in the end it all serves to make us look at the bigger picture. Through it all we remained faithful to our relationships, our vows, and gave thanks for the communion we had shared in our years as friends.
In looking back at this trip I see that there just as many ways one's vocation and Christian life as there are rays of sunshine painting the earth. Do we remain strict and steadfast in our faith, excluding ourselves from friends and family because of where they go? Or do we serve as a good example of brotherhood and the ability to understand where all people come from in their experiences? Do we judge ourselves or do we humble ourselves and see that we are judged by our actions by the almighty? Do we see the faithfulness of our hearts to a loving and forgiving God or do we fear a God who forgives nothing no matter how small the offense? The answer is complicated but you can see how I feel through the way in which I have phrased the questions. I told our impending groom that this wasn't just his last hurrah but my own as well. I said this tongue in cheek but in reality I learned that the world which we had visited, the world of temptation and libation was not a world in which one resided, and after a certain age and domestic dedication, it was not a world we visited either. For myself, I find that I no longer wish to visit that place. The one lesson I have brought with me into my discernment to the priesthood, and a lesson that I continually hone is that the people we meet, no matter the shape, accent, or personality is human; a fragile human being created in God's image. With that firmly in my place, I can look back at the people I met, the conversations I had and see what lies underneath. It is the stuff of the soul and it is what I live for.
I return now to my lovely wife and beautiful children, thankful for what I have and the life I am living. I am thankful that my friend is headed in that direction. I am thankful for the trials he will face with his future wife that will only serve to bring them closer. I see the trials that I have faced with my wife and find them to be the glue that binds us. The bonds of love found there are not easily forgotten and it is those memories that inspire us to return to our families with earnest.
This became most evident on a recent trip to Chicago for a good friends bachelor party. Our group was close knit having known each other for at least ten years and as many as twenty years. We were ecstatic for our friend who had found a great girl and who now could have a proper sendoff into married life. From the moment my attendance was discussed the jokes began about a “priest” going to a bachelor party and what it mean for the party as a whole. Would I be hesitant to join in the festivities or would I be wilder than the rest. My Vicar had told me to enjoy myself, having attended numerous stag parties in his day. It wasn't a carte blanche to engage in any risque activity but rather an understanding that there is a way in which one goes about things, recognizing limits and always learning life lessons.
When we arrived and began the activities our group constantly identified me to any girl we met as a priest. I emphasized that this was premature as I would not be stepping near ordination before another year and a half. Either way, I wasn't wearing a collar and certainly was not going to be performing any sacraments at the party. I'll have to admit that I was a little annoyed that this became the identifying punchline for my presence but then I realized a few things:
The first was that these close friends of mine had busted my chops over everything any of us had ever done and this would be no different. The fact that it was the but of jokes meant that they realized that was a real part of my life. The other thing it signaled was that by calling me that they saw this as my chosen vocation, someone I could really be. Of course, I shouldn't be seeking heaping mounds of validation for my vocation but seeing that these close friends who had been with me through tragedy and triumph saw me as a man of God touched me in a way I cannot describe.
The singular problem I faced with this was one that I felt they could not entirely understand. Even though they were my close friends with whom I had shared everything this vocation my own, something that no one else could live for me. So as we ran through several bars, collected outrageous requests for our friends bachelor party shirt, and identified beautiful women I felt awkward because that part of me seeking a vocation felt at odds with what I was doing. Of course there are rationalizations, reasonings, and excuses that provide the shade under which we go about our normal behavior claiming that we are conscious of God's presence while we conduct ourselves in a questionable way. But in the end it all serves to make us look at the bigger picture. Through it all we remained faithful to our relationships, our vows, and gave thanks for the communion we had shared in our years as friends.
In looking back at this trip I see that there just as many ways one's vocation and Christian life as there are rays of sunshine painting the earth. Do we remain strict and steadfast in our faith, excluding ourselves from friends and family because of where they go? Or do we serve as a good example of brotherhood and the ability to understand where all people come from in their experiences? Do we judge ourselves or do we humble ourselves and see that we are judged by our actions by the almighty? Do we see the faithfulness of our hearts to a loving and forgiving God or do we fear a God who forgives nothing no matter how small the offense? The answer is complicated but you can see how I feel through the way in which I have phrased the questions. I told our impending groom that this wasn't just his last hurrah but my own as well. I said this tongue in cheek but in reality I learned that the world which we had visited, the world of temptation and libation was not a world in which one resided, and after a certain age and domestic dedication, it was not a world we visited either. For myself, I find that I no longer wish to visit that place. The one lesson I have brought with me into my discernment to the priesthood, and a lesson that I continually hone is that the people we meet, no matter the shape, accent, or personality is human; a fragile human being created in God's image. With that firmly in my place, I can look back at the people I met, the conversations I had and see what lies underneath. It is the stuff of the soul and it is what I live for.
I return now to my lovely wife and beautiful children, thankful for what I have and the life I am living. I am thankful that my friend is headed in that direction. I am thankful for the trials he will face with his future wife that will only serve to bring them closer. I see the trials that I have faced with my wife and find them to be the glue that binds us. The bonds of love found there are not easily forgotten and it is those memories that inspire us to return to our families with earnest.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Finding My Voice Again
There are few moments as adults when we truly wish we were kids again. I don't mean the usual times like when we hate work or just reminisce about what Christmas morning used to feel like. Rather, I mean when we wish we could experience something as children because it is just plain easier. I am now two weeks into my recovery from having my tonsils removed. It is not something that I would recommend for the faint of heart. Keep in mind that I am a bit of a baby as my wife will surely attest to. But when I began this process with my doctors about inquiring into a way to end my endless throat infections I was optimistic about it being simple. My surgeon did warn me that it would not be a walk in the park and several older parishioners regaled me with tales of their experiences in the 1940's and 1950's with kitchen tables, ether, and cold steel. Needless to say that I was glad I lived in the 21st century.
I have always believed that no matter what the experience, a person can gain some valuable insight on their life and their faith. In this experience I learned to appreciate the relationships I have with my parents and my wife. I recognized the compassion and gentleness they had for me as I tried to regain my strength, dealt with enormous amounts of pain, and was frustrated.
But this experience has also made me think about those who have no one to care for them. I had my tonsils out. I didn't have open heart surgery or a bone marrow transplant. My biggest annoyance was not being able to french fries for a couple of weeks. I can't begin to fathom the loneliness or frustration felt by parents or children, patients and doctors over diseases and ailments that have no cure, that cause so much suffering and attempt to compromise our dignity. I think about how fortunate I am. I think about the two good hands and feet I have and the brain that works (most of the time). I think about the opportunity I have to help people. That's when I think about becoming a priest.
So now I am in the stage where I wait for my voice to return to what it was before the surgery. It won't be near what I am used to or what I need for my work for at least another two or three weeks. In that time, I'll take that opportunity to listen more and to talk less. I'll take that time to think about what I want to teach others in my preaching and to listen to some good preachers. I'll learn what it means to serve from those who have so graciously served me.
I have always believed that no matter what the experience, a person can gain some valuable insight on their life and their faith. In this experience I learned to appreciate the relationships I have with my parents and my wife. I recognized the compassion and gentleness they had for me as I tried to regain my strength, dealt with enormous amounts of pain, and was frustrated.
But this experience has also made me think about those who have no one to care for them. I had my tonsils out. I didn't have open heart surgery or a bone marrow transplant. My biggest annoyance was not being able to french fries for a couple of weeks. I can't begin to fathom the loneliness or frustration felt by parents or children, patients and doctors over diseases and ailments that have no cure, that cause so much suffering and attempt to compromise our dignity. I think about how fortunate I am. I think about the two good hands and feet I have and the brain that works (most of the time). I think about the opportunity I have to help people. That's when I think about becoming a priest.
So now I am in the stage where I wait for my voice to return to what it was before the surgery. It won't be near what I am used to or what I need for my work for at least another two or three weeks. In that time, I'll take that opportunity to listen more and to talk less. I'll take that time to think about what I want to teach others in my preaching and to listen to some good preachers. I'll learn what it means to serve from those who have so graciously served me.
Monday, April 5, 2010
A Holy Week Experiment.
This passed Holy Week I spoke with my rector and mentor about conducting an experiment. I wanted the opportunity to shadow him and get the experience a priest undergoes in serving his congregation during the last and most important week of Lent. It would mean working with him from morning to night and spending more time away from home for work than I had in a long time. I talked about it with Roxanne and she agreed that for both of us I needed this experience.
Father Andrew laid it out for me plainly. I was to help him with the 10am and 7pm services. In the meantime I would accompany him or be in charge of the various hospital visits. That means I would have the opportunity to give communion, pray with, or in some cases pray over the sick. It was clear that this was going to be a challenge but one I was eager to embrace and live up to.
My overall experience was positive. I learned a few things about myself and about my desire to be a priest. I learned that as a persons I need to be less afraid of what I want and make a greater effort to expresss what I want. Those who love me won't leave me just because I to fulfill a need of my own or attend to a work obligation. i also learned that my desire to be a priest is stronger than ever. I love helping peoplef and bringing them the love of Christ when they feel alone or scared. I love it not because it is an ego boost but because I feel like I am gving to others what God has so generously given to me.
The next few months are going to see new challenges as I begin my Clinical Pastoral Education. I know that I don't know enough about helping the sick and dying. I need to learn more so I can be more.
I also learned that one of the greatest challenges to achieving my professional and spiritual goals will be staying true to my family obligations. I love my wife and children so much and I only want them to be happy and know that they are loved. Making sure that I am true to them is one of my biggest priorities.
Father Andrew laid it out for me plainly. I was to help him with the 10am and 7pm services. In the meantime I would accompany him or be in charge of the various hospital visits. That means I would have the opportunity to give communion, pray with, or in some cases pray over the sick. It was clear that this was going to be a challenge but one I was eager to embrace and live up to.
My overall experience was positive. I learned a few things about myself and about my desire to be a priest. I learned that as a persons I need to be less afraid of what I want and make a greater effort to expresss what I want. Those who love me won't leave me just because I to fulfill a need of my own or attend to a work obligation. i also learned that my desire to be a priest is stronger than ever. I love helping peoplef and bringing them the love of Christ when they feel alone or scared. I love it not because it is an ego boost but because I feel like I am gving to others what God has so generously given to me.
The next few months are going to see new challenges as I begin my Clinical Pastoral Education. I know that I don't know enough about helping the sick and dying. I need to learn more so I can be more.
I also learned that one of the greatest challenges to achieving my professional and spiritual goals will be staying true to my family obligations. I love my wife and children so much and I only want them to be happy and know that they are loved. Making sure that I am true to them is one of my biggest priorities.
Monday, March 29, 2010
My First Holy Week
Well it isn't my first Holy Week. I've been observing Holy Week almost all of my life. But this Holy Week is different than any other. This is the first Holy Week since I began discerning the priesthood, since I began my training my rector. I have decided to shadow him for the entire week, attending every service, and every home and hospital visitation. This will mean some long days and tired nights. But hopefully it will give myself and my family some valuable into what my future life as a priest might be like.
I know that it won't be easy for me or my family but I think it helps me to understand the enormity of the job I am hoping to undertake and the strain it will present on my wife and children. But I also think that it will be an opportunity for my family and to grow with one another after Holy Week in the break that follows.
So I've been given the opportunity to preach and to do the stations of the cross. I am definitely nervous, most definitely apprehensive, but nonetheless excited about the opportunity to serve. Lately I had grown worried about my preparation about paying attention to the details. But now more than anything I want to pay attention to the worship I am offering to God and the thanks I have for just being his. That is the most important thing.
Growing up, I loved Holy Week. Now I find myself loving it more.
I know that it won't be easy for me or my family but I think it helps me to understand the enormity of the job I am hoping to undertake and the strain it will present on my wife and children. But I also think that it will be an opportunity for my family and to grow with one another after Holy Week in the break that follows.
So I've been given the opportunity to preach and to do the stations of the cross. I am definitely nervous, most definitely apprehensive, but nonetheless excited about the opportunity to serve. Lately I had grown worried about my preparation about paying attention to the details. But now more than anything I want to pay attention to the worship I am offering to God and the thanks I have for just being his. That is the most important thing.
Growing up, I loved Holy Week. Now I find myself loving it more.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
People are People Too
One of the most interesting aspects in our society is the intense categorization found within how we understand and deal with people. This is of course necessary. Human curiosity and the need to understand the world around us inevitably causes us to classify people places and things. It helps us to see the difference between the Bengal tiger and the Butterfly.
But this categorization can also get our of control and blind our eyes to the simplest of realities before us. In God's Church there are many different people with many different personalities and gifts. But they all have one thing in common. They are all people. They are all beautifully made in God's image. He did not make a mistake in creating them. And just as he loving made them, he sustains their life. His love also does not wax and wane with the "quality" of their life.
I was blessed to begin volunteering at a nursing home yesterday. My first task was to begin a bible study and then go upstairs to the level where they keep the Alhzeimer's patients. I had no idea what to expect before I arrived. I didn't know how lucid these people would be or how able they would be to be able to participate. In that moment, I made a key error. I didn't think of them as people. I thought of them as old people. I thought of them as elderly people. I stopped thinking of them as children of God.
In the scriptures we read that "wherever two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in your midst". Jesus wasn't specifying young people, or intelligent people. He wasn't setting a standard for a particular level of theological expertise.
The bible study itself was not as fruitful as I had hoped in that we didn't to discuss the scripture very much. But I didn't miss the point. We gathered together to praise God and to enjoy listening to his word. That was what he had wanted that day and we accomplished that.
As we go forward in ministry we must remember that there are too many labels for people. Our Christian brothers and sisters are not entries on an excel spreadsheet. They are human beings with souls loved by God in a way we cannot begin to understand. If we remember that, then we will be his people.
But this categorization can also get our of control and blind our eyes to the simplest of realities before us. In God's Church there are many different people with many different personalities and gifts. But they all have one thing in common. They are all people. They are all beautifully made in God's image. He did not make a mistake in creating them. And just as he loving made them, he sustains their life. His love also does not wax and wane with the "quality" of their life.
I was blessed to begin volunteering at a nursing home yesterday. My first task was to begin a bible study and then go upstairs to the level where they keep the Alhzeimer's patients. I had no idea what to expect before I arrived. I didn't know how lucid these people would be or how able they would be to be able to participate. In that moment, I made a key error. I didn't think of them as people. I thought of them as old people. I thought of them as elderly people. I stopped thinking of them as children of God.
In the scriptures we read that "wherever two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in your midst". Jesus wasn't specifying young people, or intelligent people. He wasn't setting a standard for a particular level of theological expertise.
The bible study itself was not as fruitful as I had hoped in that we didn't to discuss the scripture very much. But I didn't miss the point. We gathered together to praise God and to enjoy listening to his word. That was what he had wanted that day and we accomplished that.
As we go forward in ministry we must remember that there are too many labels for people. Our Christian brothers and sisters are not entries on an excel spreadsheet. They are human beings with souls loved by God in a way we cannot begin to understand. If we remember that, then we will be his people.
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