Square Peg in a Round Hole

There are times when you just don't feel like you belong. When you're younger it can have to do with coolness and just not fitting in with any particular group. I experienced this because of the simple fact that I wasn't very athletic, kind of nerdy (okay, real nerdy) and lacking in overall social skills. This brand of not fitting in usually passes as learn to be more comfortable with ourselves and form a distinct identity that helps us to build confidence.

However, the not fitting in to which I am referring has more to do with finding our place in the world. This is one that any discerner, religious or not, can relate to. We have all been in relationship, friendly or intimate, a job, or any other social setting where we feel something is amiss. That feeling is annoying because we want nothing more than for it to just go away and for us to be able to go with the flow. But it lingers. Maybe we feel deep down that the person we are with isn't right for us. Maybe we feel that the job we are performing isn't going to make us happy. Or maybe we even feel that the school or group that we belong to isn't going to fulfill us or the game plan that God is working through with us.

For me, I have gone around the last few months since I decided that I wanted more than anything to become a priest feeling like a square peg in a round hole. I am currently enrolled in a doctoral program for Philosophy and Religion. When I first entered it seemed like it would be the perfect opportunity to fulfill my number one dream: to be a professor. I was going to be in academia. But when my discernment kicked into high gear I realized that the most important thing wasn't being called doctor, it was being called a servant of God as one of his priests. I began to understand that while I loved learning and teaching, I felt more alive than I ever have in my life when I work pastorally at my church. This came as a bit of a shock. But then it drew me back to so many lectures I had heard based in scripture in call.

Characters like Noah, Abraham, Moses, and much later in the New Testament, the apostles and Saint Paul all had one thing in common. They were called by God to do something special. They have resisted initially or even questioned his methods but they all heeded his call and went confidently in the direction God was calling them. They faced hardships but in the end we remember them for following God's voice amidst the chaos of the world that told them it was too hard, or that it wasn't worth it, or my personal favorite that they were just plain crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. I hear God's voice calling me. I am scared and wondering why he would choose me to work for Him. I worry about it being too hard, questioning occasionally if it's all worth it. But in the end I want to be remembered for heeding God's voice when so many people thought I was crazy.

So for now I am a square peg in a round hole. But hopefully soon I will fit in. I will be piece to a very special puzzle.