A Time of Transition

The end of every year marks a time when people finally see all the days they have crossed off the calendar and begin to take an inventory. They examine the choices they have made, the personal battles won and lost, and the changes they would like to make for next year.

This year my reflection involves a new baby, a new puppy, a new religious vocation, and the commitment to bring to realization my true self. I'm the type of person who looks back on the year and just feels tired. But then I feel like it is a good tired. I look at the choices I made, the ones I wish I could make again, and the ones I would remake in a heartbeat.

It's important to note that not every culture has had a concept of time that broke their existence into years. Some ancient cultures followed the passage of the moon or just the path of the sun across the sky for the seasons. But our modern culture has placed a great emphasis on the end and beginning of a year.

Looking forward, I see how my one goal in life is only possible if I am true to the other goals I have set. I cannot endeavor to be a priest without first being a husband and father. I became those first and will be those long after I retire. But the beauty of my time as a husband and father is that I have seen my life n the priesthood in small glimpses. Teaching my children about the faith, receiving encouragement from my wife, counseling family members and friends, humbling myself to recognize my own shortcomings are all a part of ordained life.

I want my path in 2010 to be as straight a line as possible. I know it will be even though from my perspective the line may be swerving wildly that God has blessed me with His guidance. His hand may not be on the wheel but He has certainly offered to be my GPS.

This next year will be full of happiness and sadness, success and failure. But I am supremely thankful just to be alive and in the race. I pray that God will bless us all this coming year and give us a heart that reflects on how we might better love and serve Him.

When 2 or 3 are gathered in my name...

Yesterday, Saturday the 28th of November, our parish had its inaugural contemporary service geared towards college students, youth and young adults, and anyone who wanted to attend. My hopes had been high but tempered as we ran an advertisement in the University of South Florida School newspaper "The Oracle". We honestly had no idea what reception our efforts would receive in the community or our parish. Couple this with a home football for the university and rivalry weekend across the country and you can see why we were not sure how many people would attend.

Before the service, our priest Fr. Andrew said something which I feel crystallized the night. He said that it didn't matter how many people showed up. All that mattered was that we were here to praise God. It reminded me of the Gospel passage in Matthew 18:20 where Jesus says "Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there in their midst."

I think that Jesus wanted us to know that even if just two three people gather to worship Him and His father then those prayers are still heard. Our worship is still pleasing to God.

In January we will try again. I will have the opportunity to preach again. And there will be beautiful music. We will try our hardest to be evangelists and get the word out to people that Christ loves them. We hope that they will come to worship the newborn king.

It is easy to be discouraged when our efforts don't turn out as well as hoped. But I remember the words of the wise Thomas Merton :I don't always please you Lord. But I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you.

God knows the content of our hearts and our love for Him will always reveal itself there.

My Son, the Episcopalian

There are proud days that every parent celebrates in the life of their children. It begins with their birth. Then it continues with the countless firsts that they you are blessed to witness. It might be a first tooth, a first crawl or a first step. It can also be their first fever, the first vaccination or the first time they fall flat on their face trying to crawl or walk. As a parent I have felt blessed to be there for so many of my children's firsts.

This week wasn't just a first for my youngest son Gregory. It was a first for our family. My son Gregory was baptized into the Episcopal Church. This was momentous for two reasons. The first is that by being baptized Gregory is now a part of God's family and His church community. Now he will be raised in the tenets of faith that we Christians hold dear. Now he has been given a clean slate from sin and the chance to grow in the friendship of God. The second reason this was momentous is that it symbolizes our commitment to the Episcopal Church as a family. Both my son Samuel and I were baptized Roman Catholics. My wife Roxanne was baptized in a non-denominational Christian community.

But in the last year our faith community has changed. I left the tradition under which I had been raised my whole life. I left for reasons of conscience and faith. I left for reasons of vocation and the call I feel I have received from God to serve Him as a priest. By baptizing my son in the Episcopal Church I am vowing to raise him in that tradition. I make that vow as a man who is hoping to bring others to Christ through this Church.

I have always been a firm believer that the baptism of a child is not just the for the child. It is a unique challenge for the entire family and faith community. If I as a parent do not raise my son in the faith of Christ then I will be held liable before God for the job I should have done. The same goes with the rest of my family and the faith community we have chosen. We are all accountable. This accountability shouldn't be seen simply as an obligation but as an opportunity; an opportunity for holiness.

In two weeks I will be received into the Episcopal Church and in that moment I will begin in earnest my journey towards the priesthood (if God wills it). My family and my faith community will support me throughout my journey and my discernment process will be a call to holiness for me and those around me. I am counting the days and hours. I am praying hard that I will be a good father and one day hopefully a good Father.

Square Peg in a Round Hole

There are times when you just don't feel like you belong. When you're younger it can have to do with coolness and just not fitting in with any particular group. I experienced this because of the simple fact that I wasn't very athletic, kind of nerdy (okay, real nerdy) and lacking in overall social skills. This brand of not fitting in usually passes as learn to be more comfortable with ourselves and form a distinct identity that helps us to build confidence.

However, the not fitting in to which I am referring has more to do with finding our place in the world. This is one that any discerner, religious or not, can relate to. We have all been in relationship, friendly or intimate, a job, or any other social setting where we feel something is amiss. That feeling is annoying because we want nothing more than for it to just go away and for us to be able to go with the flow. But it lingers. Maybe we feel deep down that the person we are with isn't right for us. Maybe we feel that the job we are performing isn't going to make us happy. Or maybe we even feel that the school or group that we belong to isn't going to fulfill us or the game plan that God is working through with us.

For me, I have gone around the last few months since I decided that I wanted more than anything to become a priest feeling like a square peg in a round hole. I am currently enrolled in a doctoral program for Philosophy and Religion. When I first entered it seemed like it would be the perfect opportunity to fulfill my number one dream: to be a professor. I was going to be in academia. But when my discernment kicked into high gear I realized that the most important thing wasn't being called doctor, it was being called a servant of God as one of his priests. I began to understand that while I loved learning and teaching, I felt more alive than I ever have in my life when I work pastorally at my church. This came as a bit of a shock. But then it drew me back to so many lectures I had heard based in scripture in call.

Characters like Noah, Abraham, Moses, and much later in the New Testament, the apostles and Saint Paul all had one thing in common. They were called by God to do something special. They have resisted initially or even questioned his methods but they all heeded his call and went confidently in the direction God was calling them. They faced hardships but in the end we remember them for following God's voice amidst the chaos of the world that told them it was too hard, or that it wasn't worth it, or my personal favorite that they were just plain crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. I hear God's voice calling me. I am scared and wondering why he would choose me to work for Him. I worry about it being too hard, questioning occasionally if it's all worth it. But in the end I want to be remembered for heeding God's voice when so many people thought I was crazy.

So for now I am a square peg in a round hole. But hopefully soon I will fit in. I will be piece to a very special puzzle.

Journal Exercise: The Body of Christ

My discernment journal exercise this week posed the following question:

Think about the body of Christ. Which part of the body are you?

My first reaction to this question is drawn from a memory of a class I took with a very learned, very holy professor. He said that "we as Christians are all part of the body of Christ." Some of us just tend to act like the less desirable parts." He continued by stating that he feels extremely fortunate to be in the body of Christ, and that he would do so even if he had to be the toejam!

I think my professor's answer demonstrated two key point in our attitude on the body of Christ. First, though we are all part of the body of Christ, we do not always live in that reality. The second is that we are fortunate that in his mercy, Jesus has joined us to his body, to himself in an intimate and personal way.

To answer the question directly I do not consider myself to be something akin to the big toe of the body of Christ. Follow me on this one. The big toe is not vital to the body to breathe, or pump blood, or think. Instead, the big toe is necessary to move with quickness and urgency in any direction. It is a person's big toe that allows them to run, to change directions, to move forward with a sense of mission.

When I think of my place in the body of Christ, I think of the role that Christ is calling me to serve. He knows that I am not the lifeblood of the Church nor its most important member. But perhaps I can be the mechanism that helps the Church move forward, change directions for the better and be the support for others in their path.

My desire in being a part of the body of the Christ is not attain glory for myself or to be prominent. Rather, it is realize that my importance is tied only to the glory I give to God and Christ Jesus.

Too often, many Christians desire to be the heart or mind of the Church, or even its right hand of power. But these are vain pursuits that lead to our own desire for glory rather than the building up of the life of the Church, of every body part great and small.

A priest is like a big toe. Who would have thought? I think that every priest who is humble and lives to serve others would agree that they may not be the most important part of the body of Christ but that without them the Church could not move forward, change directions, or have great urgency in fulfilling the call to love God with all our hearts and love our neighbors as ourselves.

Night of Joy

The last week has been spent trying to get back the sleep I lost from spending a whole Saturday through to the night with a group from my church attending the Night Of Joy festivities at Hollywood Studios in Orlando. It was a great experience getting to know these young kids who we are hoping will become a greater part of our church and eventually become the foundation of our church's growth for the next several decades.

Walking amidst the thousands of young people with t-shirts and other Christian paraphernalia my priest, who is not from the United States, asked me a poignant question. Did I think Christianity in this country had become too commercialized?

It gave me pause.

My first reaction was that all the products that young and old people buy that sport Christian symbols or messages were going against the culture. But then I realized that in some ways he was right. Christian culture has been inundated with so many brands, logos, and slogans that it was hard to defend my position. I was also resistant because I've owned more than my fair share of Christian t-shirts.

But I also realized a key fact that I pointed to my priest. A Christian t-shirt on the right back with the right message can be a message. A person who wears a shirt but has no idea the significance of what they are wearing and who cannot explain it with any authority, are actually witnessing against what they are trying to promote. I've seen this happen more than once with both Christian and non-Christian apparel.

I think that wearing Christian clothing is great. It is not only an opportunity to be a witness for Christ in this highly secularized world but it can also be a challenge to the wearer to learn more about their Christian faith before they decide to wear it. Plus, it beats the other messages people out there are sporting.

In the end, be careful what you wear. Someone just might ask you what it means.

Time To Work and Time To Play

Nothing that we desire of any value comes without a great deal work. I've learned from my father not to trust anything that didn't take a good deal of blood, sweat, and tears to accomplish. To that end, the youth group at our church is traveling to Orlando to attend Night of Joy. It's when several Christian Rock bands gather together and thousands of young teenagers and young at heart adults invade MGM studios for a night of praise, worship, and fun.

The only issue? Getting there. With twelve kids and a handful of chaperones we needed a vehicle that would carry all of us there and back safely.

The solution came in a 16 passenger van owned by a couple who is actively involved in the church. The catch? We have to take the seat out of storage and install it back in the van which I can tell you takes longer than writing this sentence. Between the Florida heat and the dust it took plenty of sweat to get this transportation ready for our journey tomorrow.

The lesson of the day? Nothing comes without sincere and concerted effort. Ministries, community service, and the yes the Kingdom of Heaven require more than just talking about how we are accomplish our goals in meeting after meeting. It requires sincere Christian people who are willing to give their time, their energy, and their sweat to do the little things that make our efforts to serve God possible.

As an aspiring priest this experience also taught me a great deal of the kind of work a priest does. My mentor and spiritual director once told me that being the head priest at a parish often means picking up the slack that no one else has attended to, even if that means pushing a lawnmower in the middle of day with a collar on! Truly, words to take to heart when considering what it means to serve God.

Humbly In His Service

Every journey has a beginning. All that we endeavor to accomplish has beginning. It's when we envision the possible (and sometimes the impossible) and set our hearts on a goal.

I am beginning this blog as the beginning of my journey. I have set my goal. I have set my resolve. I have opened myself up to God's will and answered his call to humbly serve Him.

I have decided to become a priest.

This words might or not seem provocative to you. Depending on whether or not you are a person of faith and religion I could appear to be anything from a crazy dreamer to someone living in the delusion of a fictitious reality. But if you are a person of faith and you believe that God calls you then you may understand the journey upon which I am about to embark. You will understand the hopes and disappointments, the soul-searching and contemplation that's involved.

This blog is about understanding the journey as it happens. It is about seeing my personal discernment process as I watch God come alive in my heart in an intimate way. But more than anything it is about my reaction, my answer to the call. "Come. Follow me."

If you read this I appreciate your encouragement or your comments. I will try my best to be honest with myself and with you the reader.

It is my sincere desire to be a priest. My journey has begun.